How the Dark Parts of Me are Like the Bathroom at Barnes and Noble (I mean, go with it)

Specifically the Reno one. If you’ve been there, you know our Barnes and Noble has beautiful book displays, artistic photos of famous authors, a nice coffee shop and soothing music. They even recently remodeled and made it even more aesthetically pleasing. But the dark underbelly of the place is this: the bathrooms are terrible. There is never soap or paper towels or things like cleanliness in the bathroom. Even the stall doors don’t work right. We hate that. I still go to Barnes and Noble of course, but using the bathroom is a bit like seeing Santa Claus without his beard.

All of the dark parts of me are like this bathroom: hidden but not so pretty, and probably in need of some attention. I don’t know if comparing my brain to a bathroom would be therapist-approved. I say that because I am seeing a therapist, and she’s pretty amazing, but she likes for me to be nicer to myself. She validates all my crazy thoughts and makes me feel more normal. Plus she gives me tools to calm the inner crazy.

I’m working on honest writing that exposes the Barnes and Noble bathroom of my soul, even if the analogies don’t make sense to anyone but me. Even if people might get their feelings hurt. Or if only ten people will relate. I’m just saying, if I don’t share my B&N bathroom with the world, you all might think I am just the front of the store: the shiny part that looks good.

I feel better about saying I’m seeing a therapist rather than I’m in therapy. “Seeing a therapist” sounds more like dating and less like incarceration. Maybe it’s just me. I find our social stigma around therapy to be odd, and I guess I’m affected by this. I can get a trainer to help me make my stomach flat (I’m not doing that, nope), and decline a coffee date because, “I have to go see my trainer, it’s ab day.” But I hesitate a bit when it comes time to say, “I have therapy.” I’m more of a fan of the people who say “I have a therapy appointment, but we can hang out after. I might be a mess, just so you know.” I love the I might be a mess people. When I mention therapy, the response I get from most people is, “Where do you go? Does insurance cover it? I need to go too.” So ya, go get it if you need and are able to. My therapist is amazing. I love going so much.

These are the things my therapist and I work on:

Self-compassion: I probably mentioned I quit my job. But let me just tell you what really happened. Full disclosure B & N bathroom situation here: They put me on a PIP. You know what those are? I think it officially stands for “Hi, you suck, you have four weeks to get better or you are fired.” I will say I did not deserve that. And also that it was a gift because I wasn’t happy with that job and leaving felt very right. But having to face what felt like an extreme rejection and failure at work brought up a whole bunch of issues.  I have a very strong work ethic. Too strong actually. Like I NEVER call in sick. I will show up early and stay late. When I was a teacher, I was the “no problem, I got it, I’ll work on it this weekend” teacher (aren’t we all?). So at the corporate job, I was giving 100% and being told it wasn’t enough. Quitting was a big deal for me, because, hi, money, and also, I have realized that I define my self-worth by how I am perceived by others, by knowing I’ve done a good job, and by how much money I make.  And now I’m kind of floating, Ubering, with no real job or schedule, which is great and also kind of unsettling. Weirdly it was fine during the summer, probably because I’m used to having a few weeks off then. But when all my teacher friends went back to school I began to feel like I have no value if I am not busy AF. The funny thing is, I don’t hold my friends to these weird standards. I don’t care how you make your money. I definitely don’t care how much you get paid or what your bank balance is (unless you are Jeff Bezos and you don’t share well. I mean, come on billionaires, do better). I care if you are kind, a good listener, genuine, and if I feel better about myself after I hang out with you. Also, if we laugh our asses off together, great. My therapist recommends these people who are good at helping you explore self-compassion: Kristen Neff, Tara Brach, Brene Brown.

Other things I’m working on:

My crazy relationship with my mom: Three years ago we came out of estrangement because there was no one to buy the groceries, take out the trash, and sort the pills. The thing is, my relationship with her has always been problematic. She has been hypercritical of me since birth, which means I am expert level at being mean to myself. My mom has always felt like someone I had to protect myself from, which is sort of anti-mom but also very common I think. The problem I have is that being around her triggers a lot of resentment and anger, but I need to be around her because she needs help. My therapist posed this question to me: do you believe everyone is doing the best that they can? (This video is a very cool if you want to explore forgiveness, boundaries, compassion and kindness. What I’m talking about happens at minute 45 ish). I’m working on believing that my mom is and did do the best she could. If I believe that, it makes everything else easier, and that’s what I’m looking for. I’m tired of torturing myself. When you start thinking about this concept of doing your best, you also begin to wonder if you yourself are doing the best you can. And I don’t mean Deadpool style Maximum Effort. I mean letting yourself off the hook a little bit. What I’m able to give my mom in the relationship is the best I’ve got. Someday it might be more, but right now, this is my best. And I’m done beating my myself up over the deep conversations we never have and the amount of times I don’t call her. I will say I was not at my best when I went to the assisted living facility and confronted her with everything I was mad about, but I also forgive myself. Maybe those things needed to be said. The book that also helped me with this: Many Lives Many Masters by Brian Weiss. Whether you believe in past lives or not, the book offers some cool insight into our purpose here in this life.

Also, Mindfulness/Meditation: I tend to get way in my head and overthink things, and also, as I mentioned, the voices in my head are mean. My therapist and I gave the voice a name, and sometimes I just tell her to shut up, by name. In a nice way of course. Er, sometimes. Real quick I’ll tell you the theory of eagle vs. mouse vision. The eagle is the big picture view, and the mouse sees what is right in front of its face. The mouse is a detail-oriented, busy, busy, fidgety, fidgety little creature. You should understand that I’m a mouse. My wife is an eagle and this is the only reason I am slightly sane most of the time. This mouse pays the bills on time, so we’ve got that going for us too. Here’s an example of the level of overthinking I’m capable of: Shayne and I are in a coffee shop in Tahoe (Cuppa Tahoe, love, love, love!) and she points out a sticker she thinks I might want.

“You need that sticker,” she says. The sticker: Hold on, let me overthink this. I look at it, and I think, Where would I put it, should I get it, I already have a lot of stickers, would I want it on my water bottle or my to-go coffee cup, ooh or my laptop, maybe not, but it is cute though, how much is it? Maybe I should get it. By then, it’s over. I don’t have time, I’m holding up the line and I didn’t get it because by then the barista was asking for our drink order, and I didn’t want to slow down the line (hi, people pleasing). The little mouse in my brain is hard at work, constantly fidgeting and perseverating and What-If-ing. You know what helps that? Meditation and Mindfulness. Meditation is hard but I work on it. It helps on those nights when I can’t sleep because the mouse keeps telling me that we might end up living in a van down by the river. When I text this fear to Shayne she replied “We’d love that!” and she sent me cute pictures of vans on beaches. It definitely helps to be with someone who is an eagle if you are a little mousey. Things that are good for mindfulness: meditation, breathing exercies, Jack Kornfield, Juicebox Yoga (I’m working up to this. Obviously, I had to go in first and ask all questions and I don’t know what to wear and what do they mean when they say Bring a pillow? What kind of pillow??) It’s a process. I do know that I am doing the best I can.

My favorite audio book right now: Broken Horses by Brandi Carlile

Reading:

Red, White and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston

Fierce, Free and Full of Fire by Jen Hatmaker