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Resolved

01/02/2014

I am a New Year’s resolutions maker. I can’t help it. I Brawny paper towel slurp up the self-help section of the bookstore/library/my bookshelf/my kindle better than any bargain brand average happy-go-lucky human you ever saw. I absorb the essence of Oprah, Eckhart, Oz, Deepak, Wayne, Katie and Tony with my extra hot caramel macchiato like sweet little crunchy inspiration cookies. I am always searching, usually finding what I never knew I needed. For me and my self-help homies, January 1st is like our Christmas/Graduation/Wedding/Baby Shower/found $20 in the pocket of last year’s winter coat all rolled into one. I love it, I crave it, I need the motivational quotes and the power of now and loving what is and I AM and all of it. But really, can’t I just set goals and make good choices on any or all of the other 364 days of the year?

After too many failed resolutions, I became drawn to the popular one-word resolution idea. In 2012, I bought a consonant and a vowel and chose “letting go” as my one word. That worked never. In 2013 I did goals. That worked a bit. My 2013 goals were to finish my Master’s degree. Check. Get to Italy. Nope. Get out of debt – chortle, cough, were you fucking crazy when you made that goal first year teacher? My 2013 success rate was 33.33 repeating percent. But really, let’s focus on the positive, said all of the gurus in my head. Okay. It was an amazing year. I didn’t get to Italy, but I went wakeboarding in Sacramento, kayaking in Morro Bay, and I did every ride at Wild Island. I didn’t see the Leaning Tower of Pisa, I did not get to find out if, in fact, as was constantly purported to me in Freshman Latin class, “the Roman roads are wide and long.” But I saw the banks of the Truckee River from a blow-up mattress raft, I saw the Dirty Heads at the Knitting Factory, and I saw Emerald Bay from the Rubicon Trail.

I’m still sitting on credit card debt (I like the visual) and we added more debt in the form of a beautiful piece of art that we can visit at the gallery until we make seven more payments. Most important, in 2013, I fell in love and got married. I got a rad new tattoo with my honey. I was kinder to myself, I discovered new music, and got an awesome new job. I struggled to let go of perfection. I opened my mind to new possibilities.

So I didn’t get to Italy. And I still owe Visa, Visa, American Express, and now Marcus Ashley Art Gallery. Byron Katie says the thought that your money is safe and secure is hopeless. “You don’t ever need more money than you have. When you understand this, you begin to realize that you already have all the security you wanted money to give you in the first place.” I could resolve again to get out of debt, or I could just give myself a break and do the best I can. I could resolve to lose weight, but shit, my doctor says I’m “doing pretty good.” I’ll take it. I’d rather love my body and get fit for the health of my mind. Not to check the “I worked out” box on my calendar or to fit the too tight pants. Fuck those pants.

This year, 2014, I am making one goal: more writing. I met the big daddy goal – becoming a teacher and finishing school. It’s time for me to get back to weekly posts for the 29 of you on my feed. Because I love that kind of satisfaction. The “I love having written” satisfaction.

Currently reading:

The Mistress’s Daughter by A.M. Homes

My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler

Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins (homie)

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. 01/02/2014 7:55 pm

    So proud of you and yes we need the blogs!! haha.

  2. Jackie G permalink
    01/03/2014 1:54 am

    And another reason you are one of my favorite people on earth. My new mantra…”Fuck those pants!” Thank you for bringing it all together for me!

  3. 01/09/2014 8:01 pm

    Dito Jackie!! “Fuck those pants”

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