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I now know why my new house was so cheap. I thought it was the crappy market, but that’s not it. It’s because the house already has residents: 6 million ants.

I estimate I have killed about 400 of them. So I only have 5 million, and some-number-I-can’t-figure-out-that-rhymes-with-hitload left.

When I first moved in, I thought that if I cleaned the house the ants would run away and find a new home. Like they were allergic to soap or something, and the people who lived here before me never thought of this fact. I thought a person like me, who is unable to sleep if there are dirty dishes in the sink, will put this ant problem to rights. Bam. Kapow. No more ants. But it turns out they didn’t care if I killed all of their friends using lavender-scented Ultra Gain dish soap. The survivors just walk past their dead friends, probably thinking, like humans do, That can’t happen to me, my ant friend over there made bad choices, and I am smarter than that and I won’t make those choices, so I’ll be f…” And then my human thumb, a God-like lightening bolt from the sky, comes down to KILL that self-righteous little fucker.

My ants can walk on carpet. It probably takes a whole day for them to travel one foot, but they still appear on my coffee table, searching around for crumbs and droplets of Sierra Mist. Since most of our meals are eaten at this table, in front of the television, the ants don’t have to look too hard to find the crumbs (please mail my Mom of The Year Award as I really don’t have time to write a speech and accept the award in person. I’ll hang it next to the others, right above the TV).

Once one ant finds the tiny piece of Sour Skittle or popcorn or Crunchberry, it spontaneously combusts into 50 ants. They REALLY like Crunchberries, and I do feel a kinship to them because of that. I’m still killing them though. The other day they were all chilling out on a popsicle stick, probably trying to figure out how to lift it up and carry it to their ant lair. If their ant lair is the kitchen sink drain, I got them there. No need to thank me ants. I’m here to help.

I was telling my ex-ILs about the ant situation, and they suggested ant spray. I told them I used a whole can of Raid in the first two weeks of moving in to this ant haven I now call home. Ant spray is like Juicy Drop Pop juice to them. It puts them in a kind of ant coma, and if you don’t wipe their carcasses up and throw the paper towel in the big green trash barrel in the garage, they will come back to life after a few seconds, like zombies in a horror flick, shiny with ant spray and searching for Crunchberries. I think I’m dealing with mutated ants.

“Well did you spray outside in or inside out?” the ILs asked. Say what? I sprayed a whole damn bottle of Raid. That’s all I know. I sprayed so much that the Bootie Boy now plays a new game: Exterminator. He takes calls on his Incredibles phone, makes appointments, and then goes out to the backyard to spray the periphery of the house with his water bottle.

My ILs said: “If you spray outside first, they run inside. You gotta spray inside and then outside so that they run out not in.” Seriously? I don’t remember how I sprayed, I only know that these little fuckers lay dormant until I leave a crumb of food out and go to work. Then, I come home and my counter tops are crawling with mutated, zombie-like black specks. Yesterday I made the mistake of leaving two Advil out on the counter, and when I got home there were about 100 ants, gripping the pills like they were life jackets and sucking up all of that coated goodness. Maybe the Raid is giving them a headache.

The other day the Bootie Boy told me he was going to bring his Push Pop upstairs so the ants wouldn’t get it. But I am pretty sure my ants can climb stairs. Today I cleaned the boy’s room and CANNOT FIND the Push Pop, so I’m kind of freaking out. Damn if an ant did not just crawl out of my keyboard. I’m not kidding. Maybe he gave me the idea for this post.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. 08/27/2012 2:41 am

    I don’t know if this will work for you, but I have to deal with the incursion every year. I’ve tried cleaning, bleach, baking soda, you name it. This year it was No More Ms Nice Girl, but I hate ant spray. I really worry about using it around my smaller animals. So, out of desperation I tried Raid Ant Baits III and it worked like a charm. NOTHING else has. The ants take the bait back to the nest and ka-flooey. Seriously. I haven’t seen an ant in the house since I put them out.

    Good luck.

    • 08/27/2012 4:37 am

      Oooh, I’ll try it, thanks! I am not happy with the spray either, can’t be healthy I’m thinking. I tried vinegar, which did NOT work.

  2. Nataie permalink
    08/27/2012 11:03 pm

    Kinda gross but I had a cup with bacon grease in it and they all crawled in there and got stuck, was happy about that, the vinegar on the counter (just wipe counter with straight vinegar and it works to keep them off the counter, at least for me it has, but my ants have not mutated as yet…)

    • 08/30/2012 1:25 pm

      I’ve heard vinegar, might try that too. We have a lot on hand since we do volcanoes often. But true, I’m guessing mutated ants might just lick the vinegar and power up stronger…

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